for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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