I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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