Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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