Swine flu. Run for my life!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
