How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
