Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
