Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it's like iHOP with fire
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
