it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
