eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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