I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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