This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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