dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
