we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
