I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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