um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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