____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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