remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
