i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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