The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
