No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
