I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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