but the lizard people decide everything anyway
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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