Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
