I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
