Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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