my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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