I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
