i need an iv and a liver transplant
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
