Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
