Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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