fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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