I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Randomize
