Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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