this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
