i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
