It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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