a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
