Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
