i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
