He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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