I got chris browned last night
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
