Need sex. Gaining weight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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