i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He did a backflip because drugs
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