I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
