Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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