The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
