Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
