Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
