Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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