I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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