Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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