my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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