you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i dont even know how to be here
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
