You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
