I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
