capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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