I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
